Lo Siento Mija

Remember when my apologies weren't good enough?
Well, now I'm just learning to pick up the pieces.
So now's not the time for sorry.
You're too late in accepting my pain.

Let that be a message to the rest of you.
I know you feel like she left you too;
for a man that made our lives taboo.
Nearly impossible to get through.
So I deserve respect, where respect is due.
I'll be the one to listen to you.
As long as you promise you'll tune in too—
in to all the time I spend being blue.

A Reason to Cry

My eyes soak up the rising sun between the trees.
My ears tune into the Steller Jay's sweet song.
But my body, my body stays frozen,
tense and despondent.
My tears evaporate from the heat of my blood.
And my mind, my mind fights erosion,
fierce and transcendent.

Counting Losses

This illness has created a lot of situations to learn from.
I will figure it out. Meanwhile, it maintains to be a bumpy road.
It seems as though, I will always have to do something extra to preserve normalcy.
However, order never fully imprints,
because in the shadows of my brain
are dried up pieces formed into caves
due to chemical deficiencies.

Me too

Before I could blink, she was back in my life again.
This time she said, "I love you."
I don't think I'll hold myself back this time.

Remember

Today, I will not dwell.

To Whom it May Concern:

If only my heart could break from the hell you'll create to feel a life you'll never have.

Could you cut the last string?
I have a weak constitution. 

Not Too Normal

Right now, I'm trying to grasp how much power a few pills can have. Pills kill people, or at least they can make us feel like we want to die.
Pills are the ex-lover I fight not to call or write anymore so that I can be happy again. And they're right, I need them more than they need me, and sometimes that thought soothes my mind. I question if an average life is worth trying new pills and getting over my old lover.

So maybe the quantitative argument is that science can't be right this time. The fact is, maybe there can be no fact about someone's mind. Scientists can keep trying to understand neurotransmitters, but something as complex as the human brain, even more so the universe just might not need to be explained, but felt. The answer is simple, through faith, we will seek understanding, not science.

Now how do I tell this to my doctor as my reason for not wanting to pills again? How do I weigh the options of which one will kill me slower so I can stay a minute longer in the end?

Knowledge is Power

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, 
in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.'

Is this true knowledge? 

A greater understanding than myself?

Who do we think we are,

going against the grain?

Why do we praise demons?

If everybody's placing bets,

whispering, "who do you think will win?"

they must know our weakness

because those whispers always lead to sin.

Let's all get wasted;

we'll release the beast within.

Just don't lose faith, girl; he'll calm the rage again.

You must now trust him

and have a greater understanding than yourself.

Full Circle

Scars won't let me forget,

and maybe that was your plan.

Time has not healed your failure to break the cycle.

You're keeping up with the Jones',

because you couldn't beat 'em, so why not join 'em?

Your Baby Girl

My eyes shatter in the mirror,

as your fingers twirl through my hair.

White knuckles rest between my knees;

the only vision to cloud my memories.

I'll scream; run to your bedroom door, 

until your threats glue me to the floor.

I can't take

another day
of not knowing who you are!

Conscience

Sorry, little baby,
you couldn't say a word.
Your mama and your daddy
didn't know what they'd be missing.
And if I die, before I wake,
I pray to see
those brown eyes,
your dark hair,
crooked teeth,
knobby knees,
and the hands that will forgive me.

Conversions

I don't have a topic, but on times in forced solitude, I feel the passion for writing like I once had.
It's a struggle. I don't get enough of this to even call it a practice I partake.
All I have are the clicks and settling of this crumbling hangar. To screw, nut and bolt my way through this four-year sentence.
I feel so dry, the dust has caked to my glasses. Fuck, and it's flowing through my bloodstreams.
The gallons of words spewing from my mouth, cannot be measured in ounces.

The Way Your Body Hooks Around Mine

It must be the way...

Now I won't rest without you intertwined.
Now I'll look both ways.
Now I can't smile if yours is missing.

Siempre Something

I must say, it's a little hard to swallow.
The worlds I have distanced myself into
     I'm suffocating.

I have to tell the truth, I love my man. I love myself, but I'm losing it to anger.
I can't seem to separate the incompetence of these fools, and the love I used to have.
Somewhere I lost the ability to be civilized.
Those rights I fight for— the justice served.
The freedom I live for is being swallowed by my boss.
With every penny is my acceptance to the grand demise.

The aches and pains of my morals entice my anxiety.
I've sat here for six hours, living in the past.
It's sick.
I fought addiction, saved myself with hands to hold me up.
I loved the world, and it loved me.
I saw the better outcome; had hope.
I had control of my woeful life.
I chose to protect my hands, in turn, their touch faded.
I can't plan for the way out anymore when I've already conquered larger battles.

This game
where I paddle to the end
it has too many undercurrents.

I'm melting with commitment issues.
Fuck the hand that feeds me!
I'm sick with making the best mistake of my life.

Expressing Happiness

So I'm here to say at this very moment
I miss you
and at any moment
I don't want to...

I'm writing this in love.
Sending this in hate.
Ending it for eternal sunshine.

If Anything Could Stay Frozen

The cold would never soak through my skin.
Shivers wouldn't keep my eyes peeled at night.
And you'd still be stuck to me,
instead of the rock, we left you to melt on.

A Motion Picture

Could we be here, in a moving window pane?
It's a rolling scene and what's ahead and behind isn't seen.
You're all I'll ever see.

Counting

I can't seem to find myself getting away from any sort of time.
Not a day marked off a calendar
or a watch to wear,
but every constraint is there.
I cannot count the days I've loved you,
the moments we've shared
or the years we have.

let us get out of here.

If Maybe

another lifelong month has gone to waste.

When Years Reach Seconds

I thought about the time I held back every tear.
I dreamt about the moment you fought for your last breath.
I missed my chance to show you my new world.
I've lost the years that'll only be moments,
flashes,
or seconds.

To blood,
to memories,
to laughs.
Thanks, for my beating heart.

To Ride or Die

The car was rolling nonstop.
I can't remember when it halted.
Who fell out first...
must've been together.
Gravity scrapped our knees, our backs.
Your face fell off...
the smell, the sight,
I couldn't look away.
You must have sown my eyes shut,
I must have lost my mind.

Now the words I write amount to nothing,
we turned into dust together.
What keeps us intact?

Certainty, Clarity, Serenity

When they wrote a novel,
you wrote a sentence.

Where Love is Love

If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that I love you.
From the deepest, most passionless pit of my heart, I do.

It's finding where love is love.
Where I find myself resting above
on a cloud lined with silver.
The rain has never brought me down...
and you know it.
Words, pieces of puzzles, seeds of life;
you've put it all together
made it beautiful
gave me honor.

If I knew where to find it...
     if you find it before me,
I'd only hope the wind wouldn't stop blowing in every direction.

When Air Ignites Fire

Please...
could you swallow the sword you placed in my back?
Could you stop squeezing my heart,
it hurts.
You have it,
I promise.
I know your grip is hard to hold,
believe me,
I know you're getting tired.
It's okay,
you'll still feel every beat without every finger.

More of the Truth

It's happening again...
it must be getting taken.
Someone must be stealing it.
With grace,
with ease,
with tender hands—
my heart is craddled in the chest of a man.
With tears,
with ache,
with lightings quake—
his love will only make me bitter and fake.

How much more truth could one want?
One day, love,
you're gonna be all I wish I never asked for.

A Little Love

I've been a little lost.
A bit loveless
and a little shamed.

Spent a few months too long in space.

A lot of too little consumes me.
I can't spit this blood from my mouth.
Proceeded by dusty tears
sandpaper on my lips
splinters in my gums
a pick in my brain
reminiscing how you're fucking terrible.

The Only Ocean

Every wave, every piece of sand,
every floating word;
connected by the winds trot.

I've been slain by every floating leaf,
blown by the sky's breath;
suffocated by the ash of our origin.
Only to love my light head and bleeding sleeve.

Every countless star, every seas reflection,
glimmer misdirection.
There's only one sun, only one moon,
only one you.

Waltz Beneath

Remember the tiki place?
Like the old backyard
with sand, the pool,
and the grass wrapped around.

Hable, hable con su cuerpo.
Think, think with your hips.
Mi carozon, 
no llores, no llores
sólo se mueven.

A World's End

Destruction comes the day I fall for the right person
or vice versa.
It's the day my world meets its end.
In time, with age
upon death
'til I part.

From Scabs to Scars

It must be that thing
you know, where you want to remember everything they do.
The camera won't serve justice,

and memories are erased.
Lacerations reignite hope.
So tonight,
patterns will carve into my body
with faith,

I'll learn to heal.

The scars you left aren't big enough.

This is Being Lost

I'm tired of seeing your breathtaking views.
I want to enjoy life...
like everyone else.
Stupid shit clouding my mind.
Something, please make sense.
When I find someone faithful
I'll stop losing mine.

Sometimes

If not every time,
then when?

I look back—I scour for bliss.
Were they all the wrong places?

I know I love the sunshine,
and I dance in the rain.

It's probably that simple.
My thoughts are just lost.
My head is gone.
But not my heart, not my soul.

Settling

I fucking miss my dad.
I don't fear the selfishness in that anymore.

One more of something, anything
so the dust will start settling.

Stargazing

The ceiling never changes—
but today,
I conceive the extraordinary.

Ways to See

Everyone deserves to smile.
I'll do it alone; I'll do it with countless others,
but I can't do it with just you.
I'm so sorry, honeybee, because I love your smile.
And I could cry because you'll never be enough.
Not one pair of bright eyes is enough.
My steps only follow the dark. You shine too bright.
I won't stop searching; I'll keep falling off the edge.
I won't conquer myself, not my fears, thoughts, or actions.
There is never an end, 

only the fluids dropping from my bleeding, lonely theories.

And in this adventure, there will be you, me,
and a handful of people I battle to love.

Hidden Truths

Should there always be secrets kept to oneself?
I mean, of course, I could spout all my hidden truths,
but it would take some adding to make complete sense.
Where's someone to fuck it all away?

I, Myself

Am I a sucker for beautiful women?
Ones who never know what they want, but it for sure in hell isn't me.
Or it is they get confused with insecurities?
     It must be the color of their eyes:
blue, gray, green, and even hazel.
None of which are ever brown.
Whatever.
Wish I could say I'm done.

To the Wind

I'm just another seed to scatter;
a speck to concur.
To you,
I won't bleed any different.

To the Girls Who've Looked at me Different

Fuck all of you and your fucking awkwardly captivating stares!
Don't look at me unless you know how to keep looking.

You beautiful girls and your goddamn insecurities—
fuck off and live a little.
It's fine to be scared,
but you're minuscule afflictions damage the world.

Ima snap one of you bitches in half,
then you'll have a fuckin image to worry about.

The Workplace

This tension is fucking sizzling.
You slimy bastard.
A goddamn image is imbedded in my mind,
and it's not even mine!

Give yourself some credit;
it's not every day some knuckle-dragging,
donkey-dicked faced,
shit-eating, low life
changes so many lives in one night.
Words are not enough.

Fucking pervert.

To the Unworthy

Which would be me of course
because I gotta be down on myself;
I'm too high up on this fucking horse.

I haven't told someone I wanted to be alone and meant it so much.
And I'm so sorry because I care about my boys
But they're placeholders.
Can't they understand
can't I be by myself
can't I have the love I want?

I guess if I didn't smell like whiskey I'd let you in.

Okay, I accept the fact that my problem has gotten in the way of my social life.

I don't want to go down this road again.

Conditionally

Some people really love each other and that's great.
Me? I'd rather choke than feel that pain.

If I Expect

I'll be angry.
I'll want something different.
Discontent.
I'll lose sleep,
and the ability to accept.

At this moment I don't know a higher power than acceptance.
Any mindless ramble I take you on could all be explained,
and if that wasn't true, you could accept it to be your truth.
What other perception matters but your own?

I'll find all the truth in lies.
I'll lie to find the truth.

I'll lay here telling myself anything acceptable,
so I know trying not to love you is possible.
I'll predict our future and realize the lack of one we'll have.
I'll shut my eyes, clutch onto my pillow
whisper my wish that it'd be you instead
to fall asleep and forget all again.

Today, is the Greatest

I was trying to remember what it was like to be a young teen in my parents home.
I remember leaving and wanting to be back.
I remember coming back—
coming and going some more

I'm sure it was the mixture of fear and the all-inclusive woes of being a young adult.
I think what kept me farthest away was my new and misunderstood understanding of love.

I feel as though there is a time when love stops automatically being unconditional and innocent.
That's why young love is so rare.
Because we can't see why love could appear to be cruelty.
At least for myself, and I mean that's all the audience there is here anyway.
The point is, I remember so little of that time because I had no idea what the fuck any part of that life meant to me.
Until now, I guess...
and of course, continuing.

I did not see I was so distant. It's still a struggle, but I know I am.
I guess that's the difference between thoughts and feelings.
My head is filled with doubt (I don't think I'm distant).
My heart is filled with confidence (I lack emotional capabilities, but they can grow).

Almost entire side note, but I'm afraid to be cocky
I think because I think all the time my thoughts make sense
That I'm right
That when I talk myself out of a situation, I know how it'll end, and it wasn't worth it.

I want to hold that girl who's not just "that girl."
I want her
I want what I don't know how to have
I want
I want
I want.