Bleeding Without a Scratch

Here on earth, I exist

in my head 

somewhere between

my heart

it's there I resist

devils and deals, which keep my heart small

through trials and troubles 

of self-sabotage 

grow my spirit with strength 

and devotion to be free

and I will tend the fire

burning inside me

and I will fill the cup

that waters my soul

For I am a believer

in the roses my grandmother grew 
to see color in life 
from the days in her basement
sewing the pieces of her heart
blown to threads

by hand-me-down assaults 

from the men her children call father

And I am a sinner 

but I am the judge who transmutes my sins

I am building heaven on earth 

where the faggot in me

will be safe and run free

          from judgment

          towards peace

          a better place

          than my mother says 

          I deserve

And I am estranged 

          from your Christ, the Redeemer

          I am an orphan

          to a woman who buried

          her soul

          before her body

          taking all my love

          and coercing it into control

          so she can see me as my father,

          our abuser

          and walk away without a scratch 

Your New Shape

I am in the forest
crying
watering the trees 
with the memories you left me

I had to pick up your things 
collect your coins

rocks with gold veins

and put them in a box

paintings and drawings 

thoughts you put on paper 

I collect

What do I do with it all?

What do I do without you?

I am stuck

holding every box

Stupid Is

Playing stupid isn’t a good look on you

play stupid long enough

you become it

and hearing how stupid you’ve let yourself become

to outrun feelings you lock in a cage

just makes you another stupid who does

Where I Hold You

I’m okay here

but this isn’t my dream 

so I’ll dream I have you

and to dream

means I feel you

so I’ll dream of you tonight 

Feelings

We put together a delicate thing 

and a delicate thing took it away

Alive to Love

What greatness I have learned 

from getting back up 

trying again

and leaning into love 

now I remember 

to catch myself

stand up for myself

lean on you 

lean on me

remember, this is greatness

wake up

and do it all over again

The Story

I am safe here

safe in this box

that I imagine are your hands

it’s in there I build 

a better person than you can believe. 

Before I Erupt

It’s okay to say I’m strong

even when all the pain
starts to swell up,
coming from
somewhere
     deep down,
     below,
     traveling through my throat
     so fast

     I might miss my chance to
     swallow another time
before it runs out my mouth,
before it burns a hole through my chest,
before I stop being soft,
because this time
I’ll get through the days
I’ve gone through the years.