Bleeding Without a Scratch

Here on earth, I exist

in my head 

somewhere between

my heart

it's there I resist

devils and deals, which keep my heart small

through trials and troubles 

of self-sabotage 

grow my spirit with strength 

and devotion to be free

and I will tend the fire

burning inside me

and I will fill the cup

that waters my soul

For I am a believer

in the roses my grandmother grew 
to see color in life 
from the days in her basement
sewing the pieces of her heart
blown to threads

by hand-me-down assaults 

from the men her children call father

And I am a sinner 

          but I am the judge who transmutes my sins
          I am building heaven on earth 
          where the faggot in me 
          will be safe and run free
          from judgment
          towards peace
          a better place
          than my mother says 
          I deserve

And I am estranged 

          from your Christ, the Redeemer

          I am an orphan

          to a woman who buried

          her soul

          before her body

          taking all my love

          and coercing it into control

          so she can see me as my father,

          our abuser

          and walk away without a scratch 

Your New Shape

I am in the forest
crying
watering the trees 
with the memories you left me

I had to pick up your things 
collect your coins

rocks with gold veins

and put them in a box

paintings and drawings 

thoughts you put on paper 

I collect

What do I do with it all?

What do I do without you?

I am stuck

holding every box

Stupid Is

Playing stupid isn’t a good look on you

play stupid long enough

you become it

and hearing how stupid you’ve let yourself become

to outrun feelings you lock in a cage

just makes you another stupid who does

Where I Hold You

I’m okay here

but this isn’t my dream 

so I’ll dream I have you

and to dream

means I feel you

so I’ll dream of you tonight 

Feelings

We put together a delicate thing 

and a delicate thing took it away

Alive to Love

What greatness I have learned 

from getting back up 

trying again

and leaning into love 

now I remember 

to catch myself

stand up for myself

lean on you 

lean on me

remember, this is greatness

wake up

and do it all over again

The Story

I am safe here

safe in this box

that I imagine are your hands

it’s in there I build 

a better person than you can believe. 

Before I Erupt

It’s okay to say I’m strong

even when all the pain
starts to swell up,
coming from
somewhere
     deep down,
     below,
     traveling through my throat
     so fast

     I might miss my chance to
     swallow another time
before it runs out my mouth,
before it burns a hole through my chest,
before I stop being soft,
because this time
I’ll get through the days
I’ve gone through the years.

Holding You in a Crowded Room

Gentle heart,
let me hold you.
Fingers through your hair
lips on your lips
let me hold you.

Soft hands,
let's build a home.
A place for us to run
rest where you rest
let's build a home.

My love, you move fire into light
you're the stars in my sky
I saw the universe in your eyes

and in a world full of people
I wanna hold you
hips on your hips
heart to your heart

skin to your skin
I have the world when I hold you

And if a dream is how I have you, I'll dream of you tonight.

The Breath of Silence

It’s much harder, to not say,

than it is, to say.

I Wanted to Know

And it’s alright

if your answer is no.

I’ve told myself
    I’m going to take
    as long as it takes—

and willfully, I work
to move on.

And willfully,
I hold on.

Red Light Devotion

I say here,  

under a new moon’s 

red light

     even if it’s to the ghost of you,  

     even if you never return,  

          even when I’m afraid.  

I’ll tell the world how we came to be,  

planting a foundation in love,  

     I believe you showed me  

a vision to become.  

Even if you never return.  

Plain as Can Be

My dear,

I think about every which way to put it

and as simple as I can be

I wanna tell you

my heart feels the call

to write new memories with you. 

In a Fire

  Beautiful woman

 made of ash 

and dust

carved in a fire

     I'm melting in your heart

witness to the graves you dug

     hear me as a whisper

     feel me as a roar

     you have me as a promise

i am here

i feel the embers

and my god, that's a promise

i'm walking with you

i'm here

Rain Can’t Wash me Away

Is it easy for you

to keep walking

to keep walking away

to do

to do for you

what you gotta do

so you and I 

you and I 

and I 

can lay 

this fantasy 

to rest. 

I stood still

I waited

I prayed 

and I gave my heart 

for you to see

 

and I waited 

and I walked away

and if you think

I’ll come back

another day

I won’t

 

and now it’s raining 

it’s pouring

and we won’t share 

a good morning

I Won’t Stop

I’m feeling you 

     I feel like it's you 

     I know 

          it’s you. 

It’s a feeling where the beat of my heart drops to my root 

     and with a slow breath 

          I can 

          control it 

softening my body 

softening your body, and another breath 

so I can talk to you 

          kiss you 

          touch you and

          hold you

So I can love every groove, 

     like the palms of your hands 

look to your eyes 

     and learn to breathe 

               for the first time 

     in front of you

          my divine

Quantum Construct

Mold me awake
old lover
with the brush of your hand
my body stands sturdy

     I am your earth to shape

Send me your waves
wise activator
with your glance and stare
the moon says we're ready

     You are the sea I breathe

Look to our star
my dreamer
with your tongue and sight
my bones rattle to your energy

     Quantum is the leap I take


Fractals and feats

soul whispers repeat
to withstand the fury of

everything we came to remember

ATG Activator

Fingers wrapped—hand in hand—

like a double helix winding

DNA strands, codon rings

emanating, 

here’s the key to your dreams.

Patience settles

inspiration flows

to what anticipation already knows.

[Because the muse

doesn’t wait—

she expands,

creates,

shapes pictures in the dark

and molds silence into gifts.

And wrath—

is not a sin

when it flows with truth

wading through the rough waters

for what desire remembers

before it was taught to behave]

And while the James Webb Space Telescope

searches for the beginning of time,

I already know what’s mine.

I don’t need a lens

to believe 

I see stardust in your eyes.

The Weight of Choking

To spend so long being strong

I break to the

sound 

the sniff

the touch

your taste

your laugh 

your love

I choke. 

You’re gone. 

My act is up. 

Weakness exposed. 

Our love too big to wear

I choke 

to say you’re gone

I choke and

I take another breath

I choke

and I take another step 

From Washington St

Like most mornings, we’d watch the sunrise without you.

Gazing at the water tower

our hearts decided to meet

and for a while, your eyes met us in the morning

same as the spectacle and wonder of the ever-consistent

but always elusive

sunrise

is the only way I know how to describe

how my heart believes

through the death of each night

we will wait to watch you rise

Shadow Muse

For all the darkness you bared witness to

on my behalf

let me just say

what an honor it was to cocreate

with a moon maiden 

who runs from the sun

and uses shadows as her muse

for I am darkness

digging out a grave

while you feed me with a gaze

with your feet on the edge, careful to not fall into the void

of my broken spirit

dusting breadcrumbs and

chaos sprinkles

willfully burying our next life

and creating tricks 

with all your fanciful lies.

I Bear Water

I am so soft

crush me

you could

but I am soft

a soft river flowing

sweet rapids running

to soft salt water sands

I swim to your shore

from the sky above

to the earth below

like a soft summer rainstorm

dancing on your skin

I am soft

I'll Tell You on the Phone

I felt your body in a dream—

     the comfort and ease of my arms wrapped around you

as you use me as your lounge chair

     

     I can be your rock

     we can grow into a forest together 

I felt my hands along your curves

digging to your roots, I  

felt all the places I know

you've shown me here before

     I touch you like a flower

     as my fingers trace your spine

And I cherish the splendor

to what I have surrendered

to get to learn about your body for the first time,

every time,

then, 

and again

to whisper with praise 

beginning at your feet

while my eyes linger and dance with your hips

eager to tell the secret erupting from my lips

     anticipation builds

     longing destroys

Synonym Toast

Can you grab me a biscuit?

     No, the muffin over there—
          not the crumpet.
   
     Listen, I said the cake on the corner,
          by the scone.

Alright,

I meant cookie...

     but as we argue semantics

we've burnt the toast.

The secret I'll tell you

it starts in my sleep

when I take you to bed

I ask for a dream

to cope with the pain

I replay in my head.

See,

loving you for so long

is the kind of loving

where I forged strength

to endure

every tug and push

while the weight of distance 

kept growing

creating space in my heart 

to see you

in letters

and songs

poems

and dreams

pieces I put together

dissolving into streams 

connecting to my heart

to keep me alive

burning on the inside

because I'm in love

with the secret I'll tell you—

you're the one

I hide. 

Existential Math

I don't feel my sins outweigh my heart.

Heavy were the days I let imperfections burn me from the inside.

Dark were the days your implications left lesions on my brain.

regret it

forget it

move on

add it

subtract it

push on

dissolve the equations

     liquefy the logic

not form limits and distance 

quantifying steps to weigh lighter 

     than a feather